FJM: THIS MEANS BLOG WAR!
Note: I realize that I haven’t posted in about a month. I was taking a bit of a blog hiatus. I was sick for a couple weeks. I’ve been super-swamped in other parts of life. Other things that you don’t really care about. Et cetera. In any case, I am back now. Especially now that THE PHILLIES CLINCHED THE NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST LAST NIGHT!!! But, we’ll get to that later. Now, it’s time for a rant that I’ve been trying to post for almost a month.
It’s not hard to get respect from me, whether in sports or in life. The short list of sports personalities who I just cannot stand is pretty standard – internationally-hated figure like Skip Bayless, Colin Cowherd, Joe Morgan, and Tim McCarver. That said, I don’t just pass out respect to random people on the street. You still have to earn it.
I say this because I got called out (inexplicably, if you ask me) in the comments section of my latest post, introducing the Fire Eric Bruntlett fantasy football league. This post begins a new Fire Eric Bruntlett segment – let’s call it “We Hate Hugh” – where I rant against one of the said
commenters, a “blogger,” if you can even call him that, by the name of Hugh Murray, who I have now officially added to the list above. You can find his worst writing at The Gally Blog, where he goes under the pseudonym, “Logic,” which is ironic, considering that he doesn’t actually have or use any logic. You can also read his equally-stupid thoughts on fantasy football at Big Troph. His are the ones tagged, “Hugh.” (Update: His posts seem to have disappeared from Big Troph’s blog page. Am I that much closer to reaching my life’s mission of removing him from the entire internet? I think I might be…) He also has his own blog, also incorrectly called “Logic,” where he just writes any
ridiculous thought that enters his head. “The Giants have the best Wide Receivers in the NFC East? Yeah, I’m sure that I could convince myself enough into writing a post about it.” He also has the most tagline I’ve ever heard: “I’m Like Cocaine. When You Aren’t Doing Me, You Are Thinking About Doing Me.” Another way he’s similar to cocaine? Cocaine’s illegal in all 50 states; he’s wanted for crimes against journalism in all 50 states. Also, I’m willing to bet good money that he’s never gotten laid in his life. Finally, he is on Twitter as HBomb47. You can tell that he’s a Yankee fan, because he’s the only person in America who can stand Sterling’s “An A-Bomb for Matsui! A-Roid! A-Rod!”
Now, I’m not telling you to tell him how much you hate him in the comments of every post he makes on those sites, but I wouldn’t blame you, either. In fact, I encourage it. But again, like I said, I’m not telling you to.
In this particular post, I FJM Hugh for what was, until last month, very likely the most offensive, insensitive, obnoxious, awful, pointless, and just flat-out stupidest article that I had ever read. That means it wasn’t as bad as Mark Whicker’s. It was more obnoxious, certainly, but overall, not as bad. Not better, just not as bad. The only time I will ever use the words “good” and “Hugh Murray” in the same sentence is when I say, “Good God, am I glad Hugh Murray stopped writing.”
For those of you that don’t know, Fire Joe Morgan was one of the best blogs on the internets. Famous for its ranting against poor journalism by line-by-line dissection of an article, they shut down shop in November of last year, much to the dismay of blog-readers everywhere. But their old columns are always fun to read whenever I need a hearty laugh of the expense of experienced journalists. Also, they guest-edited Deadspin last month. It was epic. Seriously. If you want to read real “bad journalism,” go read that. Now. Before you read this.
So, here goes the first post in the “We Hate Hugh” series. Of course, everything is [sic]’d for enhanced stupidity.
“Some Parallelogram Did Something”
I don’t know what that means. A parallelogram is a shape. It’s an inanimate object. The only thing it does is be the geometric shape that everyone hates because it’s impossible to spell and you can never remember the formula.
tags: Falsey McLiarpants Disease, Quadriplegics, Sailing, Slimy Brits
“Falsey McLiarpants?” Really? What is this, 1st grade? What’s next, “She took my spot on line for the swings! Waah!!!”
Logic pulls away from microphone
Really? You use a microphone to blog? Awful cliché or is he just an idiot? I’d like to go both on this one. And shouldn’t it really be “Logic sticks his head up his ass?”
Logic: aherm. Excuse me. I meant double paraplegic. Or “quadriplegic” if you will, has sailed around Britain. Her name was Hilary Lister and apparently she has no arms or legs.
Hey, look at that! He stopped offensive for 3 sentences! It’s a miracle!
breaks character
Break character from what? Not being offensive? He was just born a jackass? Was he born into a family of KKK members and Nazis? When he calls a disabled person a parallelogram, he can’t help it because he doesn’t know any better?
Ok seriously… I’m sure that this is a great story and all, heart warming, and Oprah worthy but did she do it alone? Did she really?
No, she didn’t do it alone. She left pretending to go alone but picked up this random fat dude at some remote island, and dropped him back off before anyone could notice. Or maybe she pulled a MacGyver and made a GPS system out of a paper clip and a piece of string!
Or did she do it with the help of engineering and Stephen Hawking’s money?
Did Stephen Hawking give her a GPS system? Did he buy her a paper clip and string? Hell, did he do all the sailing for her? And could engineering have done, provide her with a compass and a sail? Wow, great help! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
I know this broad couldn’t have done it solo. What is she going to do set up the sails so that they switch directions and the jig boom swings when she blows into a tube a certain way?
Umm… yeah, that’s actually exactly what she did. Good job reading up on what you’re being an asshole about.
Oh. That’s exactly how she did it? I’m sorry. I didn’t read the article. Or watch the video.
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. When’d you realize that? You just heard that a quadriplegic sailed around an entire country, and you thought, “That’s not possible! She doesn’t have any arms or legs!” And because you don’t want to risk not being a douche bag, you didn’t bother to read the article or watch the video.
I just kind of pictured a midget (I don’t know why)
I’m gonna go with, “Why is he a jackass, Alex?”
“Coming up tomorrow, Stupidity (Yeah, I’m calling his Stupidity now. Not Logic.) is amazed about how Carlos Zambrano and Aramis Ramirez are on both his fantasy baseball team and his lawn-mowing team!”
On a boat blowing bubbles into chocolate milk with a boat moving in certain directions.
I have less than no idea what this means. Is he trying to make another stupid joke? Failing at a bad TV or movie reference?
“A midget… on a boat”
Hardly makes any sense.
“Blowing bubbles into chocolate milk”
Has absolutely nothing to do with disabled people.
“With a boat moving in certain directions.”
Makes zero sense whatsoever. Is it the same boat the midget is on? Does “certain directions” mean “different directions”? Why would a boat move back and forth in the middle of the ocean? Boats, like many other modes of transportation, are often used to take someone from Point A to Point B. And not back to Point A then back to B to A to B to A… No one gets in their car and says, “You know what? I’ve got nothing better to do with my time. I’m just gonna drive up and down the street for a while. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anything to do. It’s representative of my life! Just going up and down the same street all the time.”
Secondly, how did she eat? Just slam her head onto coconuts until the milk came out?
Is it physically possible to “eat” milk? I’m fairly certain the process of digesting is called “drinking.”
This story is not very convincing. I mean the broad even has arms and legs!
OH MY FUCKING GOD! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! QUADRIPLEGICS ACTUALLY DO HAVE ARMS AND LEGS! THEY’RE NOT JUST FOUR STUMPS SITTING IN WHEELCHAIRS! I DON’T BELIEVE THAT ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY BE STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THAT! OMFGLOLZ!
I thought quadriplegics were carried around in baskets, like back in ‘Nam.
Has he really not seen a single war veteran in the past 30 years? They have this amazing new teckmological discovery called “artificial limbs,” where you can look like you have real arms and legs without actually having real arms and legs! Teckmology!
“The first female quadriplegic to sail solo around Britain, using a system straws to guide the boat, arrived back at Dover harbour yesterday. As the sun set, Hilary Lister, 37, sailed into the harbour to be greeted by cheering supporters..”
Right off the bat I can see errors in this statement. First of all, Dover is in Delaware.
Right off the bat, I can see stupidity in this paragraph. Let’s count the ways he FAILs.
(1) Geography FAIL. There is a city called Dover in both Delaware and England.
(2) Google FAIL. You could have found that out by simply typing the words, “dover city” into LITERALLY ANY SEARCH ENGINE IN THE WORLD.
Second of all, it’s harbor. Not harbour. I don’t know what the fuck a harbour is, but my Spell Check says it is in fact NOT a word.
(3) British FAIL. They’re British. They spell things weird. I don’t know why, but they just do. Harbor = Harbour, color = colour, and so forth.
So there you have it folks, the slimy Brits are at it again. Trying to create headlines with their silly propaganda and feel good stories.
Propaganda? According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, propaganda is “the spreading of ideas, information, or rumor for the purpose of helping or injuring an institution, a cause, or a person.” This is just a straight-up news story. Unless he’s convinced himself that this isn’t actually true, but the writer is trying to trick him into thinking that it is. Then he’s just even more of an idiot.
Susan Boyle burnt out and this broad won’t last long at the top.
Susan Boyle burnt out because she was just plain creepy-looking and her only talent was singing. She didn’t do anything amazing, like a freakin’ quadriplegic sailing around an entire group of countries!
It’s just a matter of time before she rolls goes down hill.
I already told you, SHE HAS ARTIFICIAL LIMBS. SHE IS NOT JUST A HEAD AND A BODY.
Alright enough making fun of paralyzed people who are striving to do something with their lives instead of just being paper weights.
I wish he would try to make something of his life, instead of writing immature blog posts for bad blogs.
Yeah that’s right. I said paper weights.
I’m not even kidding anymore. What can I do to make sure this guy rots in Hell? Has it already been pre-determined?
He also had the nerve to make a comment to the post, trying to explain one of his “jokes”:
The parallelogram reference was from family guy, i guess some people missed that.
God, I hate explaining jokes
As they say in the world of unfunny, “It’s not funny if you have to explain it!” But if Peter Griffin said it, then it must be stupid! Wait, that actually makes a lot of sense. I mean, Hugh and Peter are probably close in IQ and maturity levels, with Peter probably being marginally higher. I’d set the over/unders for IQ at 45 for Peter, and 35 for Hugh. By the way, why do people always seem to think that they can make an offensive joke, get called out on it, and get away with it by explaining that they heard someone else say it? I don’t really give a shit that you didn’t invent the joke, you still made it, and it was still awful. Blaming a joke on Peter Griffin is like blaming it on your buddy at the bar that’s so drunk, he thinks that Larry the Cable Guy is funny. If you honestly think that you can make an anti-Semitic joke around Jews or a Mexican joke around Mexicans or whatever and tell them, “No, it’s okay. I heard it on TV,” you’ve got to be 100 times stupider than Hugh already is.
Since this particular post FJM’ed in the “We Hate Hugh” series was originally written a few weeks ago, but didn’t come across my desk until more recently, there will be articles written by Hugh between the time this was originally written and the time of this post. (I’ve had numerous troubles writing this, specifically getting sick and losing the file, among others.) I will still hate Hugh chronologically, however. Just pretend that I’m ranting against him in real-time, as they are posted by him. Also, since he has given awful fantasy advice, you may see “We Hate Hugh,” or WHHs, if you prefer, in FantasyMAX columns, over at Digital Sports Daily. (They’re not dead yet! Just having a bit of trouble getting started.)
Quite frankly, I’ve read this post over at least 5 times. I’ve read posts by The Gally Blog’s other two contributors, Gally and Gimp. I’ve also read far too much of Hugh’s writing elsewhere – not because I enjoy it, but because I am constantly looking for new WHH ideas. Honestly, I have not been able to find a single reason that the original article caught Hugh’s eye, except that he saw it as a way to be an even bigger douche. Because, really, that’s just how he writes. And why would he be reading a British news site in the first place? Hugh doesn’t care about his readers, in fact, often blatantly insults them. The people who made a choice to read something that he wrote. And he’s trying to get rid of them. He’s the most non-PC of any writer whose articles I have had the displeasure of reading. On a consistent basis, he shows that he could care less about whether or not people are even reading his work trash, much less enjoying it. He’s annoying and stupid when he writes, and I can only assume that he’s the same way in real life, too. He’s like your buddy from the bar that you try to avoid because you know that any time you see him, he’s just going to insult you way out of line, embarrass you in public, or get you in trouble for something. He’s the guy that you hate to admit your friends with, but for me, he’s someone that I love to hate.
-And what I think is the most important factor for a closer, intimidation. Officially listed at 6′ 6″ and 200 pounds, but definitely leaning closer to the 6′ 7″ mark, Madson is scary when he takes the mound. A big part of being a good closer is being able to scare the batter, and when Madson stands tall and puts his game face on, he can leave Gary Sheffield shaking in his spikes. (On a very unrelated note, Gary Sheffield wrote a book? Why has no one ever talked about this before?)
estebomb
Tommy
Max
Fire Eric Bruntlett 
You realize that’s E from Entourage and not me right?
Oh dear God, why?
You just wasted your time over-analyzing the shit out of a post that wasn’t meant to be taken serious…at all.
You just boosted his ego tenfold. He’s already insufferable to deal with as it is, and now he’ll be even more smug than usual. Thanks Max.
Max, everything you do is bullshit. Your whole life revolves around this weird jealousy of me. I really don’t get it. I’m sorry that your shitty idea for a blog isn’t working out and you’re trying to bring others down with you.
-But as for my post.. I need to defend it. Everything you broke down was meant to be that way. In all your Googling and dictionary work, you forgot to look up “satire” and “sarcasm”. Maybe you skipped S’s altogether. I don’t know. I’m not Webster or a mind reader.
-I am also, not a journalist. And neither are you, you insufferable talentless douche bag. Is it because I get pussy on the reg that you do this?
-This is way over due. I think I did that post almost a month ago and it took you this long to come up with “Errr, No Shit Sherlock!” Wow. I think I remember when that one first came out, I was just being born.
-It’s sad that I have to explain this to you because you seem to be the only one not getting it. It was meant to give the feeling of a newsroom. Did you read my interview with Stafon Johnson and his crushed larynx? I really didn’t shoot a spitball at his open stoma, Max. You retard.
Please take all this information in, re-read your post. Realize that it’s not funny nor does it bother me (in fact it’s just giving my website more hits).
Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic
p.s. I told you what you need to do about that MMA match you want. Fly yourself to JFK Airport in Long Island and if you win, I’ll pay for the trip. You can even get a hooker if you’d like, on me. God knows not one single woman has seen your cock since the nurse laughed at it when you were an infant. In fact, I bet your dick has a toenail at the end of it. There’s gotta be some explanation as to why you would just spend a month of your life stewing about 1 little post about some basketcase. I guess you didn’t read the Down Syndrome Kid who Scored a Touchdown. Or the Tribute to the Car Accident Victim… But anyway, I picture you being this fat little WoW player that sits on his computer all day long trying to think of creative ways to list Adrian Peterson as the #1 RB in the league. Everything you say about Fantasy Football is wrong and you’re in dead last in our Blogger league in which I was so kindly to invite you to. Not to mention have final say on if you should even get in when other guys in the league have said you are a douche.
In conclusion, you are a douche. You’re a wannabe Deadspin writer and you are kissing ass but your FJM post sucked dick. You are probably just sitting there at home, fist fucking a bag or Doritos and slugging root beer giggling to yourself at how awesome this post is, calling your friend. I get it, it’s big for you. Taking a shot at the champ. That’s fine. I’d be upset too if I got burned by having my team FOREVER be related with Eric Bruntlett after I started a blog to get him off the Phillies. That’d be like if a paralyzed woman beat me up next week. Oh wait, they can’t because they blow through tubes and you need kryptonite to harm me.
At this point, I just want to keep writing because I’m having fun picturing you jerking off to interracial porn and using tears and crisco as lubricant because you can’t even lose your virginity with a sock full of chloroform at Teen Night around the corner from your house at some college/townie bar. It really is the story of your life, isn’t it?
But next time, maybe check out a few of my old posts… I’m sure I forgot some and look at some of the jokes I wrote. Maybe try using one or two in an article of yours and making this funny instead of a
“Look at this guy right here! He’s a jerk! I hate him! He’s mean. And he made me cry one time a month ago! Wtf?!? Why isn’t this guy fired from his own website yet? I hate Logic. Mer Mer Mer.”
p.p.s. I hope everyone you love dies is a car fire in front of you.
You’re not funny, Logic is. You took his satire post and tried to turn it serious. It didn’t work. Go back to being a fat-nothing.
And PHILLY SUCKS. EAGLES FLYERS 76ERS AND MOSTLY THE PHILLIES
your FJM sucks
Wow max this was the worst thing I’ve ever read. U spent a month on this? I wonder how long it took logic to come back? 15 seconds? Go back on blog hiatus, please
[…] write over there anymore, unfortunately. If you’re still confused, examples include: Me being FJM’d by a 16 year old Jewish kid, Peter King gets FJM’d weekly by the guys over at KSK (Unsilent Majority did this one but […]
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