Fire Eric Bruntlett

There's only one Bruntober

Closing Time

There’s been a lot of talk about replacing Brad Lidge in the closer role for the Phils in recent weeks (Max has written about this extensively).  Well it’s time that I put my two cents due to my importance in the world.  Thus far this season we have endured Bizarro Lidge.  He’s blown 10 saves and looks a lot like the pre-2008 model the Astros traded away for a Phillies grab bag.  His confidence is clearly shaken, resulting in flat sliders across the middle of the plate.  But if the Phils don’t have Brad Lidge close games then who will?  Chan Ho Park?  More like Chan Ho Narc! (EDITOR’S NOTE: We realize that made no sense whatsoever, but Steve said he couldn’t think of any other insult that rhymed with Park) Ryan Madson?  No way, that guy needs to be out of the stadium by 10 pm because he has more important things to do.  Brett Myers? That drunken lunatic? Yeah right! While we’re at it why doesn’t he just wear a wife beater for a jersey and have a beer instead of a glove!?!?!?!

There is only one clear solution for closer: the Phillie Phanatic.

World F'in Champs

That's an intimidating sight on the mound!

First of all, the Phanatic has the right attitude to be a closer. You often hear about how closers have to be fearless.  The Phanatic fears no one, not even the terrifying Tommy Lasorda! You aren’t going to freak him out.  If anything, he’s going to freak the opponent out.  Between his absurd green form and his classic taunts there’s no way anyone can stay in the box and face the Phanatic in the 9th.  I’d like to see Albert Pujols try and intidimate the Phanatic.  All he’d end up with is a strikeout, a smashed helmet, and his head rubbed with a towel (naturally the Phanatic would be allowed strikeout celebrations).

The Phanatic also has spunk, pizzaz, clout, and other important sounding words associated with him.  The greatest thing the Phanatic brings with him to the closer role is the unwavering support of the Philadelphia sports fan.  I can’t think of anything the Phillie Phanatic could do to get booed.  That goes a long way in this city.

Now you might be wondering if the Phanatic can even throw the ball, let alone be a closer.  I will be the first to admit, his huge green form might be detrimental to the art of pitching. Well my inside sources have informed me that Jamie Moyer’s been spending time training the Phanatic for this very role.  If there’s anyone who can teach an odd creature rumored to be from Galapagos Islands how to be a successful major league pitcher after having been around for over 30 years it’s Grampy Moyer.

Yes, the Phillie Phanatic may not have been your first, second, or even twenty fifth choice to fill the closer position for Brad Lidge.  But you’ve got to admit the Phanatic’s got flair, style, and his own mode of transportation out to the mound.  Plus, he’s got to be better than:

– Billy Wagner

– Antonio Alfonseca (who might be a cousin of the Phanatic considering their resemblance)

– Jose “Joe Table” Mesa

– Eric Bruntlett

So don’t go with young and still has potential for the closer role or experienced and will probably work out great in it.  Go with your heart.  Go with the Phanatic.


September 9, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,


  1. …And Lidge worked himself into trouble again last night!
    Lidge, you don’t have to go home. You just can’t stay here.
    But, seriously, didn’t he have a “blister” and was considered “inactive” by Manuel himself? I guess “blister” means “closer job still, despite any injuries and inconsistencies” and “inactive” means “totally ready to save games, no matter the situation”.
    I’m not sure what to think any more. Is he injured? Is he bad? Is he both? Is he in danger of losing his job if he continues to struggle and Myers pitches well?

    Comment by Max | September 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. i ❤ antonio alfonseca and all his extra appendages!

    Comment by phightingphils | September 10, 2009 | Reply

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